LoL I don’t repost much, and I’m not going to tell you the metrics I use to gauge whether I repost something.  I really just use it to follow other porn blogs so I can keep my private Tumblr dash relatively safe for work (though, Andy challenges that pretty hard). :P  If it makes you feel better, I’ll give you my link, and the next time I’m on that, I’ll give you a listing of the porn blogs I follow. ♥  To see my pron blog, click here.  It is most certainly NSFW. ><

Okay, I’ll be transparent with you guys, that was me being Anon at myself. :P

I’ve had some personal things in my life keep me away for the last couple weeks.  I have had a significant shift in my professional progress.  I broke up with my boyfriend.  I have been working at a break-neck pace to be sure my bills are paid.  I have had some social drama to tidy up.  In the middle of all of it, my private Tumblr even got pretty neglected.  (In fact, the only Tumblr account I have that got any real attention was my porn Tumblr, and that didn’t even get that much attention. >.>)

I apologize for my absence, but I’m here and going to plug away at the Asks in my box.  I love you guys and gals, and I love that there are so many Asks in my box.  It encourages me to know that you folks are coming to me with your questions and concerns.

Queer bullying can happen in any environment, Anon, and unfortunately, if you decide you want to be out, you’re going to have to accept that risk.  That is changing, but for now, it’s a fact of life.  I have to ask you a few questions.

• Who is more important: the friends you trust or the bully you don’t?
• Can you tell your friends that while it’s not a secret that it’s your business to pick and choose who you tell?
• Will they appreciate and respect the trust you’ve invested in them if you tell them that?

If you want to feel less alone, sharing who you really are with the people you trust is a really good place to begin.  In a large school, you have the blessing of the odds in that chances are higher that there are other gay kids.  Consider starting a queer friendly organization in your school if there isn’t one.  Someone has to be the first to step out boldly.  Why not you?

Anon, I want you to know that there is only one thing that changes when you come out: you aren’t lying anymore.  You don’t have to announce it to anyone, and your personality doesn’t have to change, because you’re still you.  When the sun comes up tomorrow, the only thing that will be different is your willingness to answer honestly that you are a gay guy.  The most subtle truth is the one that people don’t find out until they look for it.

Be brave,
Nate!

Anon, coming out can be a difficult thing, and it happens differently for everyone.  I’ll share with you my own personal experience, and hopefully, you take something useful from it.

When I came out, I thought very carefully about each of my parents.  I figured my mom would be supportive, and my dad wouldn’t.  So, I pulled my mom aside first, and let her know.  I asked her how I should approach my dad, let her know that I was committed to doing so, and then asked her to let me handle the timing on it.  I took her advice, and when I talked to my dad, I was prepared to listen to him as much as I expected him to listen to me.  I came out to them first, because I didn’t want them to hear it from someone else.  When I came out to my closest friends, I did it very frankly, and I did it over coffee in a public place.  I also did it in small bits of two or three at a time when I couldn’t do it one on one, and I handled them in the space of a week.  After that, it was just a matter of not hiding.  If someone asked me whether I am gay, I responded honestly.  It meant I had to change churches, thought, because the church I was attending at the time wouldn’t have stood for it.

I don’t know how best to counsel you about your school since I don’t know what their policies are.  I do know that your future is equally as important as being yourself.  If you can find a way to be subtly honest without jeopardizing your education, I would encourage you to do so.  You can be out and not make a production out of it at school.  If you can do this and keep your grades in tact, you will have firm ground on which to stand if they want to claim that being out is somehow negatively impacting your education.  If you aren’t going around making a big deal about being gay, it’s likely that no one else will either.  If it comes down to a legal battle, I know the ACLU loves fighting such battles on behalf of those who get marginalized for their sexuality.  However, if you aren’t prepared for that, it’s best to bide your time, educate yourself on your school’s policies, and plan meticulously how to balance being yourself and not harming your academic career.

Also, you might be nervous about this, but you didn’t sound like a mess. :) *hug*

Warmly,
Nate!

Anon, where I come from, the word, “queer,” is used predominantly as an insult whether it’s between gay people or from straight people.  In fact, it’s so offensive that it might just as well be the word, “faggot,” for us.  About a year ago, I moved away from there, and at church one Sunday, I heard my pastor say the phrase, “the queer community,” in the middle of a sermon.  I had to work very hard not to walk out on him right then and there.  When I approached him about it later, he explained to me that queer culture is working very hard to reclaim that word.  It’s a little easier to say than “LGBT.”  No one gets upset about which letter in the acronym comes first.  It accurately describes all of us — we’re different.  The word as a label is less about our sexuality and more about who we are as people.  When he described it to me that way, it made a lot more sense.  Since then, I’ve worked to embrace it, and now it’s not a problem for me, but I’ll never forget the impact it had on me.

I think you’re having a similar problem with the word, “gay,” Anon.  It’s been such a negative word around you that you don’t want to associate yourself with it, because when you say, “I’m gay,” you register that as meaning, “I’m stupid,” “I’m femmy,” or any of the other things that are traditionally made a negative part of the gay stereotype.

Unfortunately, there are only so many words in the English language we get to use to describe ourselves.  I vary between “gay” and “queer.”  I have friends who seem happy to identify themselves as “fags.”  Some guys manage to say, “I’m a homosexual,” without inciting giggles or sounding ashamed of themselves.  It’s important to be able to proudly identify yourself, and I hope you find a way to do that.  Unfortunately, that may require you to work out some kinks you have between you and the word, “gay.”

Definitively,
Nate!

(continued from above)

“…es on straight guys and I just feel deflated cuz I never end up finding someone to go out with :( So too sum up my really confusing problem: 1) I always crush on straight guys 2) which might be uz I never find gay guys even though I know some there just not my type… Thank you if you make sense of this xD”

In the queer community, we have a variety of gay men.  We have guys who are androgynous (look it up), ones you’d never know were gay, and ones who couldn’t be more obvious if you doused them in gasoline and lit them on fire.  The obvious ones usually come out the earliest either because they can’t hide or because they’re really proud of the fact that they’re different.  Those are the ones who usually come out first in high school.  Societally speaking, they’ve been the standard stereotype for gay men for at least as long as I’ve been alive, and I’m almost thirty.  They’re the easiest to spot, and they’re usually the first thought in our minds when someone says the words, “gay dude.”

I don’t know about you, Cankerous, but I dig dudes who embody my definition of masculinity.  They smell like men.  They look like men.  They act like men.  They’re men to the core.  Okay, Cank, you have that picture of that ideal guy in your head?

My ideal guy has a backbone.  He’s stable in life.  He has a bias toward intellect and reason, but he’s self-aware enough to manage his emotions well.  He takes care of his interior as much as he does his exterior, and if I have my way about it, he cares about his interior a bit more.  He has some body hair and is proud of it.  He dresses like a gentleman, and he smells like one, too.  (In fact, my ideal guy can melt my heart and soul with a well-tailored suit, well-groomed facial hair, crisp cologne, and a modest smile.)  He’s confident enough in himself that if he has a limp wrist, talks with a lisp, and crosses his legs, he doesn’t feel like it’s a blow to his masculinity.  In fact, my ideal guy is capable of doing drag and still being a man when the costume comes off.  That’s how I define my ideal guy, and he fits the bill for everything I just said in the last paragraph.  Your guy might have been significantly different from my guy.

Now, how is it that in the paragraph where I was being general, I described both our men, but mine was different from yours even if only a little?

It’s because you and I see masculinity differently.  So does every other gay man reading this right now.  (For what it’s worth, the same thing goes for women attracted to women — women define the empowered and attractive woman differently.)  Cank, it sounds like you’re not attracted to “gay men,” because when you think of a gay man, you think of a really femmy guy, and when you think of a straight guy, you think of a really butch guy.  Elsewhere in this advice column, I’ve talked a little bit about the gender binary, and I encourage you to do a little Google-fu on that.  I think it’s playing a huge part in what you’re experiencing.

(As an aside, I want to take a minute to clarify to our female readers that I am not implying that women cannot embody the qualities I’ve mentioned.  There are some women that I find attractive for most of those very qualities.  We just usually end up being great friends, because… well… I’m gay! LoL)

If you take the time to unravel that a bit, you might find it a little easier to find other gay men attractive.  How do you define masculinity for yourself?  How do you define what masculine traits you find attractive?  What makes a man a man besides his rock hard c*ck and attractive body?  When you get to the bottom of that, you may start finding that every man has some feminine and some masculine traits.  Decide which traits you find attractive regardless of how masculine or feminine those traits are, and you might find a guy gay who matches you a little better and not put yourself through the heartache of constantly crushing on straight guys and being lonely for it.  What makes straight guys so attractive to you, and can you find those traits in other gay men?  Do you see them in yourself?

Hoping you find your man,
Nate!

It’s pretty scary, Anon, to initiate a conversation, isn’t it? LoL

The easiest way to begin a conversation is to keep a subtle eye on the guy before you ever approach him.  If you know more about him going into the situation, your task will be significantly easier.  In a bar, that means paying attention to the guy’s favorite songs and drinks.  At school, it’s a matter of seeing whether he spends most of his time with his nose in a book, playing games on his laptop, or surrounded by fanboys.  At church, it’s seeing which praise songs most move him or at which of the pastor’s jokes he genuinely laughs.  After you get into conversation with him, shrug off any questions from him that would indicate that you were being a little stalker.  For example…

At the dance club where you are a regular every Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday night, you notice that Nate (!) shows up consistently on Friday nights at 9:30.  He waits like clockwork until 10:30 to order a martini.  Sometimes, it’s something else, but usually, he’s on that martini like it’s water.  You ask the server what is in Nate’s martini, and he tells you it’s a Grey Goose martini, extra dirty.  What a classy guy, but damn… that’s expensive.  When the server sees you balk at that, he informs you that Nate also drinks a glass of port almost as often.  Sweet!  That’s not so spendy.  As the night wears on, you notice that Nate most frequently dances to Top 40 remixes and is particularly into Lady Gaga songs, and he either dances with the group of friends at his table or not at all.  He rarely has a guy with him, and in the last month that you’ve been watching him (yes, this is a long game), he hasn’t had the same guy with him more than twice — he’s on the market, and he’s hunting.

You now have enough information to buy Nate a glass of port or his favorite martini and start up a conversation, or you can get up on the dance floor and dance with him and his friends and start a conversation afterward.  Let’s go with the drink.  After the bartender brings Nate the martini, points you out, and leaves, you approach.

“Hey, I’m Brett,” you say as you introduce yourself and offer your hand.

A handshake, Nate thinks to himself.  How unassuming.  That and a drink?  The guy’s at least a gentleman if nothing else.  Nate replies, “Thanks for the drink, Brett.  I’m Nate.  I have a cousin named Brett, so that shouldn’t be a difficult name to remember.  How’d you know I like the drink?”

“Well, that’s what you get most of the time.”

“Aha…  So you watch me?”  Do I have a stalker?

“Eh.  I see you around occasionally.  The bartender said you liked it, so I thought I’d get you one.”

No, he’s not a stalker.  He’s just considerate.  “I see.  I haven’t seen you here before.  How often do you come here?”

You now have a relatively good conversation going, and you have Nate’s attention.  So, what about at school?

Every Tuesday and Thursday morning, during one of your breaks between 9:30 and 10, you notice that Nate (I’m an easy example, and I’m not good at making things up — shush! LoL) is sitting on a bench outside the student union building with his nose in a book.  The two books sitting to the right of him under a very full binder of papers are always an Intro to Psychology book and a sophmore level grammar book.  When you pass him at a distance, you’ve seen that the books he’s been reading have all been something of a religious nature.  At 9:45 precisely, he gets up and begins walking toward the Social Sciences building.  Today, it’s about 9:35, and the book he’s reading today is different — he’s reading Nora Roberts’ Face the Fire.  A bit of quick Google-fu on your Android (everyone has one of those these days, right?) tells you that Nora Roberts is a romance writer, and this particular work is the third book in a series featuring witches.  This is quite the divergence.  He cracks up at something he just read when his phone goes off, and he gets distracted from the book for a sec.  That’s a great time to move in: something else interrupted him for you.

“Hey, I’m Brett,” you say, offering your hand as he pockets his phone.

A handshake, Nate thinks to himself.  How unassuming.  He has classy manners, even if a bit formal.  Nate replies, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Brett.  I’m Nate.  I have a cousin named Brett, so that shouldn’t be a difficult name to remember.  How may I help you?”

“Well, I noticed you’re reading a Nora Roberts book today.  Normally, you’re reading something of a religious nature.  Taking a break from the serious stuff?”

“Yes, I am.”  Nate smiles and begins to wax eloquent about his occasional divergences from serious stuff and how necessary that is when it occurs to him that you know what he normally reads.  He frowns.  “How do you know what I normally read?”

“Well, I come out of my Trig class every Tuesday and Thursday around 9:30 from that building over there,” you say as you very safely offer him some information about yourself, “and you’re sitting at this bench with your attention on a book, and those two textbooks right next to you.  I’ve noticed today that you’re particularly enjoying whatever’s happening in this book.  You have a nice smile.”

Nate blushes, and you have just begun a conversation with him.  These are long game strategies, and they require some time, but they’re a good way to get a conversation rolling.

If you feel like you’re being a stalker at first, don’t get visibly flustered if he asks you a question that boils down to, “Hey, creeper!  Are you stalking me?”  Make sure your details are something anyone with a good eye for detail would notice.  As you practice watching details about people, you’ll get faster at noticing them, and it won’t be nearly so much of a long-game strategy.  The conclusions you draw from those details are a touchy thing, so be careful not to make any assumptions about someone out loud.  If you have an assumption about someone based on a detail you’ve noticed about them, that’s a great opportunity to ask them a question and see if your assumption is right.  It’s a good learning experience for you, and it lets them know that you’re paying attention to them.

These are strategies I use for getting the ball rolling on any conversation, and if I’m romantically interested in someone, I make it a point to be a student of their being.  If you’re still not confident enough for the long details game, starting conversations with a genuine compliment is always good.  If someone has shoes that are more than basic tennis shoes or boots, those are a great and easy detail.  That still involves catching a detail, but the compliment is the focus, and if you’re into a guy, it’s not hard to find something about him to compliment. :)  The long game is the best, though, as it yields you deeper details about your love interest.

Encouragingly,
Nate!

Mark (Marky?), for a straight guy to go from thinking life between the two of you is comprised of a couple of straight dudes chillin’ out to his best buddy is bi to his best buddy wants to experiment with him is a series of really big jumps really quickly, and to tell him all those things in the space of a single conversation has a high chance of putting a lot of distance between the two of you in a very short time. You have a couple of things balled together in that question, and I think it’s a good idea to seperate them.

If your friend is straight, and he truly is your best friend, you need to respect his sexual identity the same way you would expect him to. Trying to convince him to change through some kind of an experiment is disrespectful. That would be similar to a close lady friend of yours hoping she could turn you straight if you were strictly gay.

Being in love with a straight man is difficult.

“I’ve had a crush on my best guy friend since eighth grade. He’s straight. He knows I like him, but that doesn’t bother him. We’re still the best of friends.”

I said that in another answer, and it’s true. He and I accept and respect each other for who we are, and we don’t try to change each other. I accept that the only affection I’m going to get from him is brotherly. I’m okay with that. If the world turns upside down, and he’s suddenly gay, I’ll be ecstatic if he decides he wants to be with me, but that’s not something for which I’m holding my breath, and you shouldn’t either.

Do some Google-fu to see what kind of local queer community groups are available to you. Get connected with the queer people in your area. That’s a better place and way to get in some close, personal contact with some other guys who are far less likely to be disrespected by it. :)

Wishing you the best,
Nate!

Welcome back, Anon, and thank you for re-asking your question! LoL  I was hoping that I had either answered it correctly or that you would come back. ><

I have a theory that no one is completely gay or straight.  I think on some level we’re all a bit bisexual.  Sex is sex, no matter who it’s with, and if a partner loves you enough and is into enough, that partner can get you off regardless of their gender.  Of course, that’s just a theory I have, and at the end of the day, I’m not really qualified to speak for anyone’s sexuality but my own, and even if I was, I don’t think I’d want to. :)  Sometimes, our hearts, bodies, and minds trick us by getting together on a page we didn’t think was in our books.  Yeah, there is always the possibility that there is an exception to our sexual preferences.  Homoromantic bisexual that I am, I’m still open to the extremely minute possibility that a woman could steal my heart.

There is a webcomic I read called DAR (link is as safe for work as a lesbian webcomic gets).  I won’t spoil the ending for you, but I think you’ll find yourself in it.  It didn’t take me more than a few consecutive hours to read from start to finish.  Suffice it to say, I don’t think you’re the only queer person in the world who falls in love with someone of the opposite sex.

In that kind of situation, I think the best thing to do is be true to your feelings and be honest with him.  The worst thing that could happen is that you get more evidence for why you’re a lesbian and get to know yourself better in the process. :)

Journey well,
Nate!

Thanks, Anon!  I’m really happy to help those that come here.  On some level, it always makes me sad to think that I’m someone’s rare safe space, one of the few places they are allowed to be themselves for just a moment and admit that they need help with something.  I’m shocked in some ways that a perfect stranger would trust me with something they aren’t asking or telling even the closest people to them.

Then again, that’s the blessing of anonymity, isn’t it?  I remember when the internet and people like who I am now were the only safe people I had, because I was so scared of how the world would treat me if I shared myself with it.  In being anonymous for a little while, I gained strength and courage from those who had found them before I could, and I became who I am now.  Because of that, I offer my life and experiences to those who come after me.  Hopefully, these readers are stronger, braver, and more comfortably themselves when they step away from their keyboards after reading what I’ve offered here.  Hopefully, I have helped someone along the path to self-realization, and if I’ve done it right, they’ll be able to help someone else at some point.

Thanks so much,
Nate!

Anon, it sounds like you have more choices available to you than just forgetting him, but we’ll talk about that first.

If you want to forget him, you simply stop paying attention to him.  Give him the cold shoulder.  Don’t respond to him.  Find someone else who is worthy of your attention, and let them have it.  When he flirts with you, frown at him, and tell him to quit.  When he asks why you’ve suddenly turned cold, tell him it isn’t his business, and walk away.  Does that sound cruel?  It is.  Unfortunately, that’s what you have to do to forget someone who hasn’t hurt you and has done nothing but be kind and pay you compliments.

The other option, of course, is waking up one morning, picking out the right outfit, making sure you look damned hot, spending some time in the mirror working up your courage, committing yourself to talking to him, and then finding the right time that day to let him know that you think he’s amazing.  Thank him for all the kind things he has said and done.  Then, be prepared to hear something you may not like — he might be straight, not interested, or not available.  If that’s the case, the effort hasn’t been wasted.  You learned how to work up courage.  You learned how to enjoy being your finest for a day, and even if it ended up not being for him, it was for you!  If you’re still single at the end of the day, you have lost nothing, and you have gained your own self-respect.

However, on the off chance, that he likes you back, is gay, and is single, you have not only surprised yourself by being courageous, you have gotten a man you like with that courage.

Be bold,
Nate!